Emptyness :(

It was 11months and 5days, October 7th of 2012, I though we had it good but then you started acting weird and I thought something was wrong and I ended up being right because when we went to part ways for the day you put you had on my shoulder and then I put my hand on yours (the same hand you put your hand on my shoulder) and the next thing you said I didn't expect it. You first switched hands so it was on the other shoulder and I eventually dropped my had and then you said, what left me felling empty till this day, "I think we should see other people" and my smile just dropped along with my heart but my heart doesn't feel as if its there, like I'm empty and all I can feel is sadness and hurt. All I said to that was "okay" because I can't make you stay with me and if your happy that matters the most. Then he was like "Okay?" and all I said was "Okay" and there was silence for awhile and then I said "Well Bye' and he said "Bye" we walked are separate ways, me with a stream of tears rolling down my face and a broken heart because I Love Him so dearly and never had felt so happy but that day was just starting a disaster for me. When I got home and he soon texted me and we started talking about it he was like you only said "Okay" and your smile just faded, so I said what you expected me to be happy about it and just keep smiling like nothing happened and I didn't know what to say so I said "okay", I asked him why and he told me he almost kissed this other girl and all he could think of was me and something about it felt right, so I got my answer to it but wasn't very happy with it. He said he still wanted to be friend and hoped that this wouldn't harm it and I said of course I'm not like other girls that just stop talking to them, but yes I did avoid him for a few days then when I started to talk to him more and more each day it hurt but I dealt with it so he can be happy and I notice more and more each day how hard it is to be friends with someone you love.I haven't been able to go to sleep without a tear sliding down my face, I tend to listen to sad music and when ever I see him with another girl (even if there just friends) it hurts, and I believe I get jealous because I'm not really sure what jealousy feels like. Now day after day ever since that day I have been focusing on school and pushing the hurt and sadness away but it never works.I see people happy all around me but I just put a smile on my face, hoping that no one will see just how fake it is, and laugh as if I was back to myself and even make them happy and help them with thing's. Who is there for me I feel so lonely yet not, I feel mainly empty, hurt and sad. :( I thought it would get easier but it really hasn't much except that I haven't been crying to much. As soon as I see him I just wanna hug him and kiss him but I can't, 'just a hug' I have to remind myself and when I hug him my heart beats rapidly and just his touch I feel safe and calm and happy. When I pull away I feel more empty knowing he isn't mine anymore and what I was scared of happening happened and my wall just builds up higher and higher so it will be harder for me to trust and love someone again.

:'(

When will it stop hurting, I never had to actually go threw this part hurting like hell but if this what he want Okey as long as he is happy. It's hard for me to tlk to him still I get choked up when I try n when I hug him it still makes me hurt afterwords. I wish I could stop crying wrong uncle gave me great advice but it still doesn't remove the pain. All the smiling today for pics made me hurt more cuz most are fake n just reminds me how easy he could make me smile but now can't face him without a tear. I can wish many things but I can't do anything but if he is happy then it's fine I'll try to get over it n start talkin as friends even though it's goin to be hard.

Hurts

I was there with Draya knowin he is hangin with her in the other room it just makes it hurt more. He told his brother he try's to tlk to me yes he does but it seems like I'm trying to keep a convo n it's hard so I stop cuz I feel I might break down n say stuff. His brother is right it is very ocword. I will always ask me alot of why questions but none will get answered n some can't cuz what happened I can't do anything about just suffer in silence something I'm used to. I can't even smile like I used to everyone seems to notice at times cuz I fake a smile but it's forced, I deal with this by myself cuz I don't care to involve everyone I talk lil about it, I don't laugh at everything I used to sometimes it's forced I can't help it n it's weird the first time I've been like this over any guy. I hope I get over it soon but probably won't but just hope I can be strong n act like myself some. I love him still n it hurts to but I can't help it. I can see it clear in my mind it hurt but it's all I can think about. :'(

Well :(

I try to focus but its hard with this ache in my heart n I can feel it through out the whole day. Everyone askes whats wrong and it makes me get teary just thinking about it and I end up chocking up the reason and start shaking a bit and tears run down my face. Wrong Uncle really keep asking me I said I'm fine he was persistent n said were my normal Angie the one that always looking up and smiling and joking around well then I told him he said don't worry no man's worth crying for till 25 and it made me laugh but yet true kinda but it doesn't help the pains still there and I keep breaking down. In the morning I banged my head against the wall and thought it would keep pain off my heart for awhile, and then when it didn't work punched a shelf a few times no marks on me just red hands, when that didn't work I gave up n was hurting not only my heart but were I hit. Then when my horrible headache came at the end of the day I was crying not only cuz my head pain but cuz my heart ache too. People asked about it why it might hurt I said I hit my head but don't know why just cuz I didn't want him to feel bad. I ended up talking to him a for a bit and then just standing there silent but I couldn't talk much cuz it hurt but I had to do it so he didn't feel bad. I had to hug him its comforting but when I pull away and no kiss it hurts more and the ache in my heart hurts more. I am just sad and tend to think alot about it I can't help it, it hurts to damn much.

hurt n trust

hurt but it will heal eventually.
i remember why I have trust issues cuz I always tend to lose the ones I trust n left allown to deal with thing hurt n lost without being able to tell someone everything. my trust issues get bigger n bigger each time. i havent wanted to see n talk to Cynthia as bad as I did this time it hurts so bad hope time will heal it. well Im done with this stuff n cant wait for college n move further in life.

My job/Family

I got a job about 3 weeks ago n well it's at a school n I got to clean it's only a summer job. Well the boss doesn't like family working together so he tries n makes it so we don't so me n my lil brother tends to get giped on hours n a different boss fights for us to work so were kinda like on call n we switch back n forth but the first 2 weeks they used us so we got good pay then n so far this week only worked once. Wish they could get this all situated cuz it seems to be all my family talks about is work n it's tiring n my mom comes home with headaches cuz of all the stress she gets cuz she is the team leader n tells us what we gotta do but I know how the headaches r. I kinda enjoy when I don't have to work cuz then I can see Jake if I want but my dad kinda had a talk with my cuz I went to hang out with him all of a sudden n it was 2 times only a week apart n he started thinking something but of course I said it's only to see friend but I believe he should know I still like him. Well no I dont like him I love him. :D

HIM :D

I haven't been on lately but I did get ungrounded a month maybe almost 2 months ago. Well I love going out to see Jake, he brings me much happiness I just hope I make him as happy as he makes me. I miss him when ever I'm not with him, n it can tend to scare me too, cuz of the fact tht I have no clue how long this will last. I just wish my parents would except him to be my boyfriend but like Jake says we need a genie, Lolz. I tend to find myself thinking about him alot. I love it when he plays with my hair n it weird but I like when he kisses my neck. I also tend to get scared cuz I never have felt the way I do towards him n with him. I believe this is what love feels like even though my parents would say "there's no such thing as teenagers in love they just think they are" n I get tired of it. Well anyways I'm happy with him but my parents won't be happy about tht cuz he isn't christian, how he dresses but I actually like it (I didn't say tht), n his background. Well u shouldn't judge people by any of tht stuff, Christian is just a label n how u dress is just the out look u need to get to know someone before u can dislike them n ur past is the past I don't look at ur past n go off it. I love Jake for who he is even though he is weird. :D

Why wont they understand.....

I love Jake yet there trying to pull me away from him. They were going to make me switch schools or go to the same school and not e in JROTC anymore and I love JROTC and it helps me, so I don't understand why they would take me out except to keep me away from my friends but Id still end up hanging out with them. They asked me if they gave me a choose would I rather stay in JROTC and go to a Councillor or have neither and I chose that if the would Id do both. I just believe they are going over bored with this, its stupid. I know they could never take my love for Jake away from me. I love  him so very much and can tell him things more than anyone else and he has been stayin with me through these hard times and yet he feels bad but its not his fault really. He was there when I was crying in ROTC even though Draya wanted to talk to me an make me feel better and get things off my chest and him stay away, she let me give him a hug and hang with him after other keep pickin on her for something but I was only half there so I couldn't tell and went to first hour with red eyes from crying and I only new that from Marv telling me at lunch. That day I wasn't in really my happy smiley mood but Jake helped me get back to it especially with what he said when he gave me my Valentines present even though I just got done crying and had really red eyes, he said that and I didn't really know what to say but it made me smile in my crapy mood. I love Jake for being here and helping me out even if I don't tell him everything all the time but M trying to work on that. I Love You Hubba!!

Happiness??

Do they not want me happy? They act as if they don't care, I don't even know if they do. They are strict to me yet my brothers can do as they feel. I am happy with him yet you won't even try to get to know him. You say you know enough and that's all you need. Really you don't want me to be happy. I am happy with him and I love him. I am myself when I'm with him and don't have to feel like a nobody when I'm with him. He makes me feel special and he is special to me. I truly never thought we would be like this but we are and I am happy that we are. I wouldn't give this up for anything. I truly am happy and truly love him. He makes me smile and feel better when down. He brings my smile out on a bad day. He can turn my day around easily without knowing it. I love him. :)

Humm thinking

Well I really do love him and I can't stand bein away from him even if its little time. I have never felt this way before and sometimes concurs me why am I even hidin this from my parents, o ya right cuz they believe he will go back to his old self and be like my sisters boyfriend. I just figured that out today well technically yesterday when Jake messages me a question asking what I think If u told my mom about us how she would react and that got me thinking and I all of a sudden thought about my sister and then her boyfriend and my parents. I believe they should still get to know gin before just judging him because everyone is different and u can't just assume things without knowing everything from the person. I believe my parents should be happy for me to have someone that cares for me and I am happy with and can be myself with but most of all that me n him love each other. I just don't want to hide Jake and me being together anymore and just want my parents to understand. I get sad when he leaves me n when I have to leave him even if we will see each other the next mornin, some will think I'm crazy but I'm in love. I would have never thought I would have feel for him but I did and he makes me happy. I love Jake

Times

Well I had a good Christmas break but wish I could of spent more time with him but at least I got to be with him Wednesday and Friday. I had fun with him he is awesome and I love him. I'm glad I got to spend time with him yesterday before the weekend n it was a good time :) and then seen him a little wile today but he left when the other two color guard people went home he did n ya I was kinda sad but it's ok at least we text all the time. I love seein him he makes me very happy just being with him. I do love him.